Bloody Mary

I’m feeling pretty bad right now. Our favorite local news anchor, Mary Collins, was stopped Monday morning at about 9:30 while driving erratically. She blew a 0.14 on the Breathalyzer. The legal limit in Indiana is 0.08.

She had a pretty good excuse, however. Her explanation was that she had been fasting for medical tests and, in addition, had consumed rum cake and Skittles. I don’t know about you, but if I had eaten rum cake and Skittles after fasting, I would be at home puking my guts out. That is what Ms. Collins should have been doing.

I’m not sure what caused such behavior on her part. I know nothing about her other than the little bits of her private life we might pick up during her news segment. One fact is that she is an avid runner. She has been spotted by people I know in various establishments on this end of Fort Wayne, so she might reside somewhere not too far from us. I like her on-screen persona. She is always pleasant and chatty, and seems to be fairly intelligent. Now she has some explaining to do.

Let’s see if there’s an announcement that she has entered rehab, like many better known personalities have done after having an incident with alcohol or drugs. I would do that if I were known and trusted by thousands of Fort Wayne residents. Most of those thousands probably feel much the way I do about Mary Collins. We all hope she can figure out a good way to deal with the publicity and the loss of public esteem.

In the meantime, I think we can start calling her Bloody Mary. I know it’s a bit cruel, but it does seem to fit the circumstances of having been stopped at 9:30 a.m. after having obviously drunk something during the breakfast hours. I’ve had a few Bloody Marys myself over the years, and most of them before noon. I guess you can call me Bloody Bruce if I’m ever caught in the same predicament. Bloody Bruce, however, is not nearly as witty as Bloody Mary.

3 Responses

  1. dan koch
    dan koch September 4, 2009 at 11:27 pm | |

    I will join the bloody crew. I enjoy a good bloody mary

  2. dan koch
    dan koch September 5, 2009 at 12:41 pm | |

    Bruce I was thinking last night how much rum cake does one consume to get a BAC of 0.14? And what do skittles have to do with being drunk? I am sure it is a function of body mass because Mary is rather petite. All I can say is it must have been some stout rum cake or some new vodka skittles. With that being said I am willing to sacrifice my body for science and test the rum cake skittles phenomenon.

  3. dumpster
    dumpster September 5, 2009 at 10:08 pm | |

    I’m sure we’re in for a complete accounting of the actual intake. Maybe they should have pumped her stomach to see what was really in there. We might be jumping to conclusions, though. Perhaps there was some kind of chemical reaction between Skittles and rum cake that has never before been documented. Coupled with Mary’s unique intestinal bugs, the concoction might have brewed up a very potent batch of hootch.

%d bloggers like this: