Drive-By Carnivores

You vegans out there might want to avoid the intersection of Illinois Rd and Scott Rd in Fort Wayne. If you pass through that intersection (or, heaven forbid, have to stop for a red light there), you will most assuredly become a carnivore.

I should qualify that statement. You will become a carnivore if Burger King is open and is actively grilling burgers. You doubt what I say? Well, just try it sometime. The smell of Burger King’s burgers, grilled over open flames, is enough to make me gag. Maybe you like that smell. Well, HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

I’m just saying that if you are a vegan, or vegetarian, or one who does not consume flesh, you will be consuming flesh at the corner of Illinois and Scott JUST BY BREATHING! Those greasy fumes from the burgers actually enter your lungs. They also lodge in your nose and throat, making their way eventually into your body. I’m not sure, but it’s possible you could inhale so much of that stuff it would clog up your pipes and you would end up permanently pickled or critically constipated.

I had to stop at that intersection several evenings ago. Almost instantly, my car was filled with greasy, slimy, burgery fumes. And that was with my windows up! By the time the light had changed to green, my clothes reeked of the stuff and I felt a sudden urge to have an angioscopy. No, I am not vegan. I just don’t like to have animal flesh foisted on me without my consent.

If you really do like the smell of scorched Burger King burgers, you are in luck. Not only are there 10 Burger Kings in the Fort Wayne area, but there is also another way to suck up those fumes. Believe it or not, Burger King actually sells a fragrance called “Flame” that is based on the smell of a Whopper. Now you can have it your way any time of day. And you don’t have to get in the car and drive to the nearest BK. How easy is that?

I wonder how many cows it takes to make up a batch of “Flame.”

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