Fitness Update

I was feeling pretty awful Monday night when I arrived at the Kachmann Mind Body Institute. I had slept only a few hours the night before. I had spent part of the afternoon standing outside in the cold and rain. I was suffering from a bruised hand obtained when I tried to close a metal cabinet door and slammed my palm into a steel appurtenance on the latch. I was tired from a weekend of driving and a  Saturday night of poker. I wanted to go home and go to bed.

Erin Long had other ideas. She has recently returned from a trip to Las Vegas, where she attended physical training seminars and lectures. She learned lots of new tactics for strengthening human bodies. She also learned some new exercise tactics after viewing training videos that she purchased in Las Vegas. She was eager to share her new ideas with her exercise class. Although I felt like sneaking out and driving home, Erin’s enthusiasm was difficult to resist. Besides, I was just too tired to argue.

We plunged into the training session with some unusual (for me) warmup exercises that were reminiscent of tai chi, only more physical. From there, Erin kept us on our toes (literally) with lots of weight work, lunges, and crunches, all interspersed with lively conversation and friendly banter.

One exercise consisted of striking a pose similar to that of a bowler at the moment after letting go of the ball. Put yourself in that position right now (in your mind), and put a 15 pound weight in the hand that had just held the ball. Now bend your knees to lower the weight to the floor, then raise back up to where you started. Do this 15 times on each side. This is harder than it sounds. During this exercise, Erin commented on how our butts should be pushed out and up, and also stated that the exercise is good for building butt muscles. She asked me if I could feel the effects of the exercise in my butt. “I have no butt,” I said. “I don’t feel a thing.”

This brought a round of laughter from my training peers, but I’m sure they knew I wasn’t kidding. My butt just isn’t what it used to be. It’s not from lack of exercise, because I do plenty of walking, biking, and exercising. It must come with age and gender. I know a number of guys in my age bracket whose pants would slide down around their ankles if they didn’t wear belts. If I could think of an exercise to enhance my butt, I would certainly pursue it. I’ve been dreaming of a substantial butt for a long time now. (My own, not someone else’s.) Erin couldn’t think, offhand, of a good exercise for male butt enhancement. Perhaps she’ll run across one in the exercise videos she’ll be viewing over the next weeks.

A plump, padded behind would have helped me a little later on in the evening. I was starting a routine using an exercise ball and two 15 pound weights where I was supposed to sit on the ball, slide my body down and place my back on the ball horizontal to the floor with feet on the floor. The weights would be raised over my head then lowered to my sides with arms extended. The first step in this exercise is situating yourself on the ball. That, for me, proved difficult.

Standing in front of the ball, I looked behind me to make sure it was where it was supposed to be. I sat down and my diminutive posterior failed to make solid contact. It slide down off the ball and propelled the ball out behind me. I fell quickly to the floor, the weights in my hands coming down with me. When I landed, one weight smacked the floor but I was able, somehow, to keep the other up in the air. My butt, in its current configuration, did little to soften the impact. I survived, but my ego suffered some damage.

Now, more than a day later, I am sore in many places in my body. Shoulders, neck, upper arms, calves, quadriceps, and abs are all hurting from the workout. But they hurt so good. And, believe it or not, my fanny is sore too. If pain is gain, perhaps my butt will gain some mass.

I’ll be monitoring its progress.

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