Gulf Oil Spill to End Oil Dependence

In an astonishing development, scientists from the World Oil Supply Cooperative in Stockholm, Sweden, have announced their annual calculation of the balance of Earth’s supply of untapped oil. According to Sven Bjorgsen, president of the Cooperative, his scientists have determined that BP’s oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, if not stopped within the next 7 days, will effectively drain the last remaining oil from beneath the Earth’s surface.

Bjorgsen said his team has been monitoring oil pressure at selected operating oil wells in various strategic locations around the globe. The pressures have been dropping at an alarming rate, and have produced a marked decrease in the daily flow from each of the wells sampled. The Cooperative expects that crude oil prices will rise dramatically in the next few days as speculators get wind of what’s happening in the bowels of the Earth. It  is estimated that these wells, as well as the thousands of other wells dotting the Earth, will become little more than deep holes in the ground in a very short time.

In addition to tracking pressure at wells, Bjorgsen’s oil watchers have also recorded substantial drops in ground surface elevations above known oil fields. On average, surfaces have fallen 6 centimeters as oil is vacating underground pockets and is being sucked unto the Gulf of Mexico. Further studies by the Cooperative’s team of oceanic engineers and scientists have shown that the water in the Gulf will have been completed displaced by crude oil if the leak remains unchecked.

Bjorgsen was asked about the ultimate effect of the oil leak on the world economy.

“We think the effect of the total destruction of the world’s oil reserves might have a profound and lasting effect on the world economy. It’s difficult to imagine how the automotive industry, the shipping industry, the plastics industry, and the United States Postal Service (to name a few) can survive considering what’s happening. I really think that the world’s great thinkers need to gather as soon as possible to figure out how we will transition from an economy dependent upon oil to one that does not use one drop.”

Bjorgsen provided additional estimates of the oil leak’s impact on the state of Louisiana. The Cooperative believes that 75% of the state will be inundated with oil to the point that its ground level will rise by 2 meters on average. Looking for a silver lining, Bjorgsen stated that Louisiana’s traditional problem with low ground level should be lessened or even completely eliminated within 6 months as its loamy soil acts as a massive sponge and thirstily drinks up the thick Gulf sludge.

And where will the salt water in the Gulf go? Bjorgsen explains:

“The Cooperative scientists believe that the 643 quadrillion gallons of water in the Gulf of Mexico will spill across Florida and into the Atlantic Ocean. This vast quantity of water will, as it makes its way over the Florida peninsula, force human and animal evacuation and inundate every subterranean structure. Most hotels and condos on the east coast of the state will be washed into the Atlantic. The 1 meter rise in sea level along the Atlantic seaboard will, of course, have a devastating impact on the cities and beaches.”

Not a pretty picture, for sure. But let’s try to look on the bright side. Mr. Bjorgsen has found additional silver lining.

“Although the short term impact will be negative to anyone touched by this oceanic chaos, we believe that the economies of the areas not directly impacted by the oil and water will grow as people flee the affected areas and search for places to live and reasons to carry on. The economies of the vacated areas will eventually bounce back as people gradually return to their ruined properties and try to eke out existences with what’s left after they fail to find gainful employment elsewhere. Along with all that, the world’s dependence on oil will abruptly come to an end.”

Not to worry.

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