Medieval Torture Device Now Available

Erin Long, physical trainer at Kachmann Mind Body Institute, has invested in a new torture device for her students.

I’m always suspicious of anything that has straps and elastic. Especially if it’s yellow and black. In this case, my suspicions were verified when Erin brought her latest “toy” to her open training class on Monday. Erin’s toy quickly became the bane of her students. Or should I say pain. Either word applies here.

The thing we’re talking about is a TRX Suspension Trainer. I know, this sounds pretty cool. Until you realize that TRX stands for This Really Hurts. Yes, in this case, X means Hurts. Take my word for it.

The Suspension part of the device concerns the requirement that you attach one end of the thing to the top of a door or other convenient place. Once suspended, users take hold of the handles on the other end and proceed to torture themselves by pulling, stretching, yanking, curling, jerking, grunting, and panting their way to exhaustion. All the while, the instructor (in this case, Erin Long) observes, takes notes, and adjusts the device to enhance effect.

If this isn’t reminiscent of the Spanish Inquisition, then I don’t know what is.

The difference between the TRX thing and other torture devices, however, is that This Really Hurts is supposed to make you better, stronger, tougher, and, although this benefit is not well known, cuter. It’s not well known because I just made it up. But, you know, it could be true. Cute is mostly an attitude anyway.

My biceps, triceps, shoulders, and wrists feel the effects of the TRX. In other words, I hurt. In a few days, the pain will subside and I will be even cuter than I am now.

Not.

Anyway, Erin’s students appreciate her efforts to enhance our exercise experience. She is very good at giving us challenging, interesting, stimulating, and, yes, from time to time, painful exercises.

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